Start at the beginning, I suppose. That's the logical route. If you think you sound pathetic, just imagine how many other people have felt the same way in the same situation. Just don't worry about it.
All right, well. The person I used to be is named A2 and I'm completely sure she was a robot and had people giving her orders that she had to follow. You know, like how robots work. And I just got a memory of her murdering someone.
So it's been a lot to handle lately. On top of losing the wings I got in Respatrum, but I'm more bothered by having to see myself stabbing somebody through the chest.
[That's a lot, but she makes her best effort not to respond too extremely to what is clearly a traumatic series of events. Taking the wings away was just a dick move, Retrospec, but the rest here is more important for now.]
I see. It's difficult, to have your humanity called into question like that. There weren't even any immediate dangers, but I think last month was crueler than most.
[Stripping identities, giving and taking away gifts...well, some people came out better for it, but others were much worse for wear.]
Perhaps she was a soldier of some sort. There's more than one reason to follow an order.
Being a soldier isn't much better. There aren't a lot of good options here. And then I think about what happened to Rose and I know that part about my humanity is gonna get a lot less metaphorical one of these days. Sooner rather than later, with my luck.
[she still has no idea what she's going to do when that happens, but she knows it's not an if.]
But I'm trying not to lump my shit on her, so I guess you and Clover get it instead. 'Cause I know you two appreciate that. Sounds like you know what I'm talking about, though. You and Clo going through the same kind of stuff?
Some soldiers fight for causes, but I understand why that isn't particularly comforting. I won't lie to you and say those changes probably won't happen. But your power to choose, I think, they can't take that away from you.
I sincerely hope this isn't something that Clover is going through. Those kinds of self-doubts aren't something she ever needs to deal with.
But I'm certain they're hurting, and I feel like I can't take care of my family the way I used to.
I'm the one who broke my family up, so I'm probably not qualified to talk about keeping one together, but. I'm sorry it's hitting you like this. Just because mine sucks doesn't mean all families have to.
I know you're keeping to yourself more lately, and god knows I'm not gonna tell you how to talk about stuff, but I'm here right now, in private, if you want to get anything off your chest. Anything you say dies with me.
[It's hard when they're both the type of people to deflect concerns about their own lives by honing in on a problem with someone else's. Jasmine can see that's what she's doing, and it makes her frown a little bit, her initial instinct being, of course, to clam up.]
You don't need the burden of my worries while you're already dealing with your experiences.
Whatever happened, I can't help but feel I was simply in way over my head.
[ha. yeah. she knows what Jasmine's doing. shouldn't be a surprise at this point. Anna's whole deal is bottling herself up until it explodes and the two things look surprisingly similar in the early stages! just ask the lucky Geteilt who got her most recent emotional explosion.]
Yeah. That one's damn near universal. We've all got shit we trick ourselves into thinking we know how to handle right up until we figure out we don't.
There's a lot of stuff about the Geteilts that I don't know and I don't get to know, and I'm fine with that. I think you can bring your family back together if that's what you want, but I don't think you can do it alone. If you're all going through the same stuff, it makes sense to me that you should probably go through it together.
On the other hand, asking any other human being on the face of the planet for help is literally fucking impossible.
This is one of those times where I can only agree with you, really. [It is impossible to ask others for help. She wonders if that's why the other version of herself needed a brother, another-her, instead of anyone already living she could trust with those sorts of things.]
Most of us aren't exactly known for opening up. But Rose and I are the worst about it, no doubt. Maybe I got it from her. How troubling.
For the longest time, I thought I honestly hated her for what she did to us.
Being a sarcastic piece of shit is what I do. Especially in times like these. But yeah, I'll try to tone it down. I get it.
Not a huge fan of all this high-stakes crap. Didn't any of these other girls go to the store or take a long shower or something? But no, it's all "murder other robots who look like humans" and "here's a flower growing inside your body and probably feeding on you" and shit like that.
God. We keep talking like this and I'm gonna end up drunk texting her one night.
I'd love to remember something as mundane as going on a shopping trip. But I wonder if those are the kinds of things girls fighting for liberation or growing flowers from their eye get to experience in life. At least nothing else has happened with that flower.
[Womp womp.]
If you do, it's likely she'll be drunk as well, so you wouldn't be the only one.
That was probably uncalled for. [Given that they were just talking about how Rose didn't deserve some of the things they'd put them through...Jasmine, for once, feels a little pang for taking her usual approach.]
Listen, Jasmine, she's going through way more than I am and I'm struggling not to get fucked up every other night and go to bed high or drunk or both.
[she's trying not to think about how easily that came out. she's pretty bad at this keeping to herself thing sometimes.]
Maybe she thinks she can starve the flower to death if she treats her body like shit. Maybe she's just worse off than either of us knows. Either way I'd be shocked if she weren't drinking.
I can try to talk to her about it if you're worried.
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Start at the beginning, I suppose. That's the logical route. If you think you sound pathetic, just imagine how many other people have felt the same way in the same situation. Just don't worry about it.
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So it's been a lot to handle lately. On top of losing the wings I got in Respatrum, but I'm more bothered by having to see myself stabbing somebody through the chest.
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I see. It's difficult, to have your humanity called into question like that. There weren't even any immediate dangers, but I think last month was crueler than most.
[Stripping identities, giving and taking away gifts...well, some people came out better for it, but others were much worse for wear.]
Perhaps she was a soldier of some sort. There's more than one reason to follow an order.
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[she still has no idea what she's going to do when that happens, but she knows it's not an if.]
But I'm trying not to lump my shit on her, so I guess you and Clover get it instead. 'Cause I know you two appreciate that. Sounds like you know what I'm talking about, though. You and Clo going through the same kind of stuff?
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I sincerely hope this isn't something that Clover is going through. Those kinds of self-doubts aren't something she ever needs to deal with.
But I'm certain they're hurting, and I feel like I can't take care of my family the way I used to.
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I know you're keeping to yourself more lately, and god knows I'm not gonna tell you how to talk about stuff, but I'm here right now, in private, if you want to get anything off your chest. Anything you say dies with me.
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You don't need the burden of my worries while you're already dealing with your experiences.
Whatever happened, I can't help but feel I was simply in way over my head.
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Yeah. That one's damn near universal. We've all got shit we trick ourselves into thinking we know how to handle right up until we figure out we don't.
There's a lot of stuff about the Geteilts that I don't know and I don't get to know, and I'm fine with that. I think you can bring your family back together if that's what you want, but I don't think you can do it alone. If you're all going through the same stuff, it makes sense to me that you should probably go through it together.
On the other hand, asking any other human being on the face of the planet for help is literally fucking impossible.
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Most of us aren't exactly known for opening up. But Rose and I are the worst about it, no doubt. Maybe I got it from her. How troubling.
For the longest time, I thought I honestly hated her for what she did to us.
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Can't remember if I've told her that yet.
What made you change your mind? Just time? You don't have to answer.
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I suppose I finally realized exactly what that kind of hate feels like.
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I won't lie, Jasmine. That's one of the scarier answers you could've given.
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[But making amends with Rose...is more difficult, for the reasons spread out across the rest of their conversation.]
I'm sorry. If I frightened you with my answer.
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It's fine, by the way. Just not used to hearing "I don't actually hate her because I learned about a stronger emotion than hate that I call hate two".
Paraphrasing.
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Did it really sound like that? I suppose that's what it is, though I might not be so glib about it. When the stakes are higher, the hate is stronger.
You're right, it would be easier. But both things...both make us miss being younger, a little more innocent, a little more ignorant.
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Not a huge fan of all this high-stakes crap. Didn't any of these other girls go to the store or take a long shower or something? But no, it's all "murder other robots who look like humans" and "here's a flower growing inside your body and probably feeding on you" and shit like that.
God. We keep talking like this and I'm gonna end up drunk texting her one night.
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[Womp womp.]
If you do, it's likely she'll be drunk as well, so you wouldn't be the only one.
That was probably uncalled for. [Given that they were just talking about how Rose didn't deserve some of the things they'd put them through...Jasmine, for once, feels a little pang for taking her usual approach.]
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[she's trying not to think about how easily that came out. she's pretty bad at this keeping to herself thing sometimes.]
Maybe she thinks she can starve the flower to death if she treats her body like shit. Maybe she's just worse off than either of us knows. Either way I'd be shocked if she weren't drinking.
I can try to talk to her about it if you're worried.